We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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