I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
