Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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