mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
