I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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