I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize