Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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