just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
