The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
