I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
