So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
