Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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