You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
