can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
