i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
