Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
