Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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