her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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