I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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