It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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