Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
