i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
