That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize