that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
