uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
