My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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