Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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