erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
