either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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