my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
