Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
