The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
