You can't special order awesome
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
A+ Viking dick
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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