Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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