i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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