first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
