Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
