found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Randomize