You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
