your thong is hanging out like whoa
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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