My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
