we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
