Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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