i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
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