the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
