he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize