How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
