my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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