Pants 0. Shit 1.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
