I will die if light touches me.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize