its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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