Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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