swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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